LEADING A BALANCED LIFE by Pamela Anderson-Brulé
When I began my career, I desperately wanted to find the “perfect” blueprint for creating the “perfect” firm and “perfect” life. I never found one. So I spent 40 years taking classes, reading, creating, and building a firm, career, and personal life guided by advice from people much smarter than me – and constant trial and error. Eventually, I realized that “perfection” isn’t the best aspiration and that the correlation between building a balanced life and building a firm rests on personal self-awareness and the ability to live authentically.
Self-awareness is fundamental because of the need to be simultaneously confident, vulnerable, self-critical, and self-supportive. I learned that you can’t be an excellent leader if you aren’t an excellent follower, and it’s usually necessary to be both at the same time. Your secret power lies, therefore, in the ability to surround yourself with great people with whom you can build trusting and supportive relationships. Then comes the work of creating a positive connection in which you, by focusing on their success, development, and happiness, will, in turn, be making progress on yours.
Living an authentic life is challenging under any circumstances. It’s incredibly easy to veer off course, and I’ve often found myself going astray with no clear path forward. It’s only through the self-awareness that underlies meaningful relationships that I regained my bearings and was able to return to a safe harbor. Sometimes, a good night’s sleep made all the difference, while at other times I needed more radical action. A lesson: we get lost, but if we pay attention to who finds us, picks us back up, and pulls us to the surface, we will have found the true friends who will support us in living authentically.
Living in Context
We’ve all experienced how societal norms can saturate us with self-doubt, feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and helplessness. Being a woman in a traditionally male-dominated profession adds its own complexities. As psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner observes in her work with professional women, actions are often generated or motivated by guilt: “How our society cultivates guilt feelings in women such that many of us still feel guilty if we’re anything less than an emotional service station to others.” Founding the WIA brought me closer to fabulous women with a familiar, shared experience: professionally, we were not equal—not in pay, not in attitude, and not in confidence. Learning about the pervasive lack of confidence among female professionals gave me permission to forgive myself for my own self-doubt, ease the endless demands I placed on myself in my various roles, and begin a journey towards integrity—the quality of confidently aligning my actions with my values.
Some important books guided me: The Strength Finders by Marcus Buckingham and Donald O. Clifton Ph.D.; Right from Wrong by Michael Riera and Joseph Di Prisco; The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman; and The Boundary Boss by Terri Cole. They helped me explore my strengths and weaknesses and to evolve my expertise and confidence with a clear understanding of what actually motivates me. When combined with the wisdom of supportive true friends, I discovered how to strengthen that quality of integrity for myself and the people around me. Then it became easier, at least in principle, to thrive both professionally and personally by maintaining a healthier work/life balance.
Learn to Recognize the Warning Signs
Design and architecture bring us joy every day. The same can be said for being a good wife, mother, daughter, volunteer, etc. But, at some point, we risk entering the dangerous zone that author Gemma Hartly refers to as emotional labor—the unseen, under-acknowledged work that drains you, and that someone else could do. We can all recognize, especially in hindsight, that when we take on too much we break. We’re particularly vulnerable to this when our mindset regarding work is value-driven rather than time-driven, and workloads are not collectively balanced. When teammates focus on clocking in and out, it often requires the rest of us to go past our equilibrium point to get work done.
This is literally a question of life and death because we put our health at risk when we’re not aware of being off-balance; I have three autoimmune diseases that I can, without a doubt, say emerged from a lack of healthy boundaries along the way. So what can we do when we find ourselves in a cycle where we’re exhausted yet still pushing through to accomplish what we perceive to be necessary tasks—especially when we know that the greatest creativity comes when we have a rested mind and body? We need to stop periodically to ask ourselves how truly necessary the task is, whether there’s anyone else who could do it, and what would happen if we took that much-needed rest? I had to learn the hard way, but the lesson has been clear: the world doesn’t end when we ask for help.
Which brings us to communication. Author Terri Cole talks about two fundamental types of communication: effective and ineffective. To communicate effectively, self-awareness is key…but so is listening. Instead of formulating a response while someone else is talking, active listening helps nurture the meaningful dialogue and genuine relationships that make it feel safe to be vulnerable. Slow down, take a breath, take time to learn effective communication skills. Once you’ve mastered these skills, you’ll be ready to build healthier boundaries, say no to tasks outside these boundaries, and ask for the support you need when you need it.
Looking Back and Looking Forward
As I look back over the past 40 years and ask, “Well, how did that actually go?”, the answer turns out to be anything but simple. My children grew up watching a strong woman leader, but they also missed me when I didn’t show up at home for dinner or for an important event. I should have taken better care of myself. I should have more clearly communicated my expectations and limits. I should have learned sooner about the need for healthy boundaries. And I should have taken more time for self-healing.
On the other hand, I admit that a lot of good came with the challenges I’ve experienced, which points to gratitude as a powerful way to help live with integrity. I’ve raised wonderful children, adventured across the globe, and acted as best I could to create needed change. I also had the good fortune of a husband who is truly my partner in both life and business. Working with him in architectural practice unquestionably helped choreograph the ballet of balancing family and work needs. And with a shared commitment to our staff’s well-being, we’ve built a firm of excellent people who will carry on a legacy of architecture for better communities.
So, fill your calendar with whatever brings you the greatest value, self-worth, and positive feelings. Be aware of your motivations and know when you need rest and self-care. Loving what you do is great, but so is choosing people who can guide you and want you to guide them. Because, in the end, it’s through mutual support with family, friends, and co-workers that we can safely be ourselves in a balanced life that manifests our values.